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Friday, August 27, 2010

My first college essay..

Just hoping you guys could read this and let me know what you think. I am definitely open to critiquing, so please do tell me if something doesn't sound right, is too wordy, boring, etc. And also please point out any typos. Also, it is supposed to be an essay about an event or series of events that changed my life, and specific examples of how it changed my life. It is also supposed to be very descriptive, so let me know if you guys think it falls in those lines or not. Thank you!

        When I was seventeen, and in my junior year of high school, I had it all: amazing friends, a wonderful boyfriend, a nice car, good grades, and popularity. I was so “popular” that I was one of six girls nominated for Junior Princess. Everything in my life was exactly how I wanted it to be, and I thought my life was perfect. Then, my teenage years were brought to a grinding halt in the second semester of my junior year when I found out that I was pregnant. It was as if a tornado had formed in my head. The thoughts swirled as I tried to make since of what had to happen next. My life was no longer all about me; I had another person that I was going to be responsible for, and I had no idea how to do that.
         I slowly began to learn what being responsible for another person meant. A brown crib decorated with pink and brown bedding sat next to my bed, a brown rocking chair sat next to the crib, in the closet my half of my clothes were replaced with tiny pink clothes, and next to my dresser sat a white book shelf with pastel colored bins full of baby toys. This meant that my room no longer belonged to just me; it was fit for a baby girl.
        My car had to be fit for a baby as well, so I had to sell my shiny black sports car and buy a regular four door car, which was then turned into what could be called a “mom car.” There was a pink and brown car seat installed in the back seat, a mirror in front of the car seat so I could see in it, and a yellow “Baby On Board” sign positioned in the rear window for everyone to see. All of this was done in preparation for the birth of my daughter.
       No matter how prepared I was for her birth, November 3rd, 2010 was the day that changed my life. That tiny little cry ended the hours of pain and brought with it a precious little life. As I held her in my arms I was filled with a sense of euphoria, and I was captivated by love. At that moment I knew that I would put her every need before my own. There was nothing in the world that could hinder my undying love for my daughter.
       My love for her gave me the push I needed to return to school to finish out my senior year of high school. One week after she was born I started doing my school work at home through my high school’s home-bound program. I taught myself from my text books, and then a lady came to pick up my finished work and administer my exams twice a week. This may sound easy, but teaching myself while tending to my daughter‘s needs was a daunting task. Trying to write an essay while also trying to feed my daughter at the same time was like trying to tie a knot with no hands, however, I managed to finish out the first semester of my senior year with all A’s!
       I returned to school after Christmas break, which was my last semester of high school, and I went to my counselor and had my schedule set so that I only went to school for half a day every day. That way I could spend more time with my daughter and still graduate.
      When I returned to school I was no longer concerned with my social status, but instead with my grade point average. I studied more, and stay home with my daughter instead of going out with my friends every other day. In the end I was rewarded for my work because I graduated with my senior class of 2010. Actually, I did better than graduate on time; I was the only teenage mother to graduate in the top ten of my class. I graduated sixth in my class of 256 students with a 4.0 grade point average, and I have never felt more accomplished then when I walked across that stage to receive my diploma in my blue cap and gown, and my sparkling high heels with a bright smile on my face, which signified that those twelve years of school were behind me, and my whole life was ahead of me.
       This achievement showed me that college was a possibility for me, but I understood that I would have to get my family together first. Just before I found out I was pregnant my boyfriend had gotten down on one knee and handed me a red rose. Inside of this rose was a beautiful diamond ring, which made me his fiancĂ©. We had been engaged since before my daughter was conceived and we now wanted to live together as a family, so over the summer we found an apartment that was perfect for us, and began our own life, but this was not as simple as it sounds because along with our own apartment came the bills. This was another way that life was no longer about me because I could no longer afford to buy new clothes and shoes, but instead we had to be able to afford the clothes and shoes for our daughter. However, these things were not of big significance to me anymore; instead I was more concerned with continuing my education to better the future of myself and my daughter.
      This led me to enroll at Dalton State College to study in the field of Early Childhood Special Education in the hopes of one day becoming a Special Education teacher in an elementary school. I used to want to be in the medical field, but instead I chose education because I will hopefully graduate college right around the time that my daughter starts school, so I will be on the same schedule as my daughter: weekends, holidays, and summers off. This is another way the birth of my daughter has changed my view of life being all about me. Two years ago, if someone would have asked me what I thought my life would be like today I probably would have responded, “I will be away at college, living in a dorm, and studying medicine.” I would have thought I would be “Miss popular” with the fancy car and lots of friends, but here I am, a mom to a beautiful little girl, fiancĂ© of a wonderful man, and college student studying education. My life is definitely not all about me, as I once thought it was, and I would never have thought that this would be the path that my life would take, or that I would enjoy the life I have now, but I now see that I would not want my life to be any other way.


  1. Its sounds great. Um I believe it is the 7th paragragh at the end of line 2 "When I returned to school I was no longer concerned with my social status, but instead with my grade point average. I studied more, and stay home with my daughter instead of going out with my friends every other day." I think STAY should be STAYED. Good job.

  2. Thank you!! You are right. I'll go fix that now :)

  3. I like it. =) The only part (in my opinion) you might want to change is you say daughter a lot. I don't know if he will let you use names, but I think it would give the essay more meaning.

  4. Good suggestion! I thought about that, but I wasn't sure if he wanted names or not.. maybe I'll just try it and see what he says.