Today I took Grace to the public pool for the first time. We picked up Brittany and Sami so they could go with us and then Morgan and Christian met us there. Grace really seemed to like it as long as I was holding her. She did not want to be in her floaty at all though. I just held her and we walked around the shallow end. Eventually she got tired and she fell asleep in my arms while we were sitting on the edge of the pool. When she woke up we got ready to leave. We were there for about 3 hours. Then we took Brittany and Sami home and drove to my friend Ashley's house. Ashley had invited Grace and me, and Megan, and Haley (two of our other friends) to go swimming in her grandmothers pool. I had never been before, but it was really nice. It was an in ground pool, and Grace absolutely loved it there! She was totally showing off for everyone. She would splash and splash and splash, and laugh when everyone else was laughing, and clap if they said "clap." It was just adorable. She also loved climbing around on the latter in the pool, with me holding her of course. They invited me to go with them to watch Megan get her tattoo, but Grace was just too tired. I didn't want to keep her out. Unfortunately when we got home I discovered that I am terribly sun burnt :( Grace is mostly just tan, but her back got burnt from where she fell asleep at the public school. She doesn't seem to mind it yet. I gave her a bath to get the chlorine off her and then I put some aloe on it. Then I fed her dinner.. she ate cheerios, orange slices, and noodles. She was a hungry girl! Then I laid her down and she is taking a nap now. She was so tired, but I think she had a lot of fun today. That girl just loves water!
Grace playing with Christian:
Sami helping me feed Grace :)
Unfortunately I didn't get to get any pictures at Ashley's house.. oh well. Still had a great day (minus the sunburn).
Since we got my air conditioner fixed we my mom said we can go on vacation!!! We are going to go to stay in Pigeon Forge, Tn. There is tons of shopping there.. the main store I want to go to is the Carter's Outlet!! Grace will be styling lol. Also we are going to go see the exact replica of the Titanic.. I know it sounds sort of boring, but it looks really neat! And we are going to drive to Gatlinburg and walk around.. you can't not walk around Gatlinburg lol. The hotel we are staying in has a pool too so Grace will love that! I can't wait!!! We are leaving next Monday morning!! Chris isn't going though :( It makes me sad, but it's a girls weekend. It's just my mom, my sister, my nana, Grace, and me, and we will only be gone for a few days, so it won't be too bad. The worst part is we are all going to have to ride in my tiny car... I'm dreading that. There's enough seats, but everyone is going to be crammed.
Also, just when everything is getting good with Chris of course my life gets complicated. When I was a freshman I was friends with this guy named Kevin.. he was my best friend and to this day he is still the best friend I ever had.. My other best friend was this girl named Pristine and we both thought he liked her. One day he told me that he needed to tell me something and I was like "You like Pristine don't you?" He looked at me kind of funny and he was like "No, not her.. you." I was pretty much blown away.. no one ever saw that coming.. but I didn't feel that way about him, and I told him I just wanted to be friends.. every once in awhile it would come up, but for the most part it wasn't awkward at all. We were great friends, we were always together. People would call my phone looking for him because they knew we would be together, and then in tenth grade I met Chris. We started dating and after we dated for about a week I told Kevin. He said he would totally cool with it, but you could see it plainly on his face that he wasn't. My friend Laura was there and even she said you could tell. After that he started not showing up for school as much.. we started drifting apart. Eventually he made the decision to drop out of school. I saw him in the parking lot and asked him what was up and he said that he was too far behind on his work (he was 18 and a sophomore), and that he would have had to pass everything that semester to graduate. I cared about him so much that I offered to do his work for him. I know that is wrong, but it was such a shame to see him drop out. Of course he wouldn't let me, and then from then on we drifted further and further apart, but then randomly he would text me out of the blue, or message me, or we would run into each other and start talking again. Then Chris would get mad because he knew that Kevin liked me, so we would eventually lose touch again. We haven't talked since probably December of last year, and then all of a sudden he texted me yesterday (I have had the same number since freshman year). He said he needed a friend, someone to talk to. We talked for awhile, but I knew I had to tell Chris. I have hid it before because of his reactions, but it just always felt like I was betraying him, so today I told him. At first he was upset, but we actually talked about it (which is amazing because before that would have been a huge fight that was never resolved), and I told him that I promised not to hang out with him, and that if he started saying anything about liking me I would stop talking to him, and all I want to do is be a friend to someone who needs one. No romantic interest on my part at all. He seemed okay with that, but then Kevin texted me again today, and later Chris asked me if he did and I told him yes, and Chris kind of acted weird about it. I don't know what to do.. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with Chris just when everything is getting so good, but I also don't want to hurt someone who used to be the best friend I have ever had. I miss being his friend.. I really do, but that is all I miss. I never had any interest in dating him. I wish Chris would trust that I won't let anything happen. Chris thinks Kevin will try something, but he can't do anything unless I let him and I would never do that. What should I do??
Also.. side note to Brittany.. I was telling my mom about how Sami calls your mom Dum for Grams and my mom goes "I hope Grace doesn't call me 'Dummy' for Grammy" lol.
We dropped off my car earlier and the guy already called and said it was fixed! It was some sort of broke wire.. only $55! Which is good considering air conditioner problems can be extremely expensive! And my dad said he would pay for it!! We are going to go pick it up in a minute. He says it's blowing cold air!! That amazes me :) I am so excited!!!
My friends have always played an important role in my life. Whether they always turned out to be good friends or not I have learned something. Also, through my journey as a teen mother I have learned who my true friends are. I just wanted to share some about those friends...
I guess I'll start with the friend who has been there the longest..
We have been friends since we were in second grade. No matter what I can always count on her to be there for me if I need her. I even met Chris through her (he is her cousin). She always tells it to me straight.. she is not afraid to tell someone something they don't want to hear. It is not always welcome, but it is always true. We been through every boyfriend and heart break together, every family tragedy, and pretty much every experience possible. As far as I can remember we have never once had a fight, and that is what true friends are. People who can get along no matter what. People who can talk about anything and everything and know that they will never be judged. When I told her I was pregnant I kind of expected it to be one of her "tell it to me straight" moments, but she was completely understanding, and compassionate, and she loves Grace to death. She is one of my only friends who has stood by my side through all of this.
We have been friends since the beginning of junior year. I know that doesn't seem like very long, but we became very close very fast. This girl knows everything about me and I know everything about her. She is my very outgoing, loud, beautiful friend. Like seriously beautiful.. She was the first friend I told I was pregnant, and honestly I thought that it would be all over the school the next day, but being the great friend that Megan is she didn't tell anyone. She was there for me through it all, and she has been ever since. She has seen my ups and downs, and she has stood by my side the whole way. It doesn't matter to her that I have a baby. She always included me in everything.. her birthday dinner, going to eat for graduation, she always invited Grace and me, and didn't mind if Grace cried, and loved to play with her when she was happy. Now we are going to be starting college together soon, and I can't wait! It eases my fears to know that I am going to have a friend like her by my side.
She is a very special friend because not only was she there before I had Grace, but she had a baby right along with me lol. We were good friends before we were pregnant. We would talk about anything and knew everything about each other. We were there for each other through all the relationship ups and downs, and then we were there for each other for our pregnancies. She texted me and told me she thought she was pregnant.. I tried to tell her I was sure she wasn't until she took a test, and she was lol. Then a couple of days later I started thinking about it and I thought I might be, so she assured me I wasn't, until I took a test and I was lol. Funny how the world works.. we were only 3 days apart in our due dates, and we always talked about how funny it would be if they were born on the same day, but never actually believing it would happen, and then, like magic, we were both induced on Nov. 3rd, and they were born less than an hour apart. I feel like we were supposed to meet all those years ago, so that we would be there for each other through all of the hard times because we knew what each other was going through exactly. I feel that God has blessed me to have a friend like her that I can always talk to no matter what it's about. She is an amazing person, and a wonderful mother. Now not only will we always be friends, but hopefully our children will be as good of friends as we are.
This boy literally knows everything about me. We have had our rough patches, but the fact that we can work through them shows how strong we are. Even when we were supposedly not together we would still talk.. we would text each other about what was going on during the day. No matter how hard I tried not to think about him I would, and the thought of us not being together broke my heart. I can't imagine my life without him. But aside from him being my significant other he is my friend, not only my friend, my best friend. I have never felt so comfortable around a person. He just makes me feel calm. Whenever I am upset he can calm me down, and when ever I am sad he knows how to make me laugh. The love I feel for him is amazing. I have never felt a feeling so strong. Just the thought of him ever dying makes me clear up. We have a pack to die in our sleep at the same time when I am 117 and he is 121 lol. I know.. very unrealistic, but we can dream can't we? At least that way we would have a very long life together and neither one of us would have to feel the pain of losing the other. We are so perfect for each other that our names went together to create our daughters name. She is an amazing bond, that holds us together. We are a family.
Last, but not least,
This girl is amazing, there is nothing else to it. We have know each other the least amount of time, but some how in this short amount of time we have bounded very well. She has been there for me in more ways than I can count. She has given me stuff for Grace, she has given me tips about how to me a good mommy, time management, and fun family things to do, she has given me rides (well Jessie has lol), she has given my daughter her first friend (Sami), she has been there when I needed to talk, and been there for me to shop with lol. This girl has done everything for my daughter and me. She is an amazing friend, but she is an even more amazing mother. I learn things from her everyday. She has the patience of a saint, and more will than anyone I know. I am so glad I decided to message her after I found out she was pregnant. I was just hoping to have someone to confide in, someone who knew what I was going through, but I got so much more. I got a wonderful friend that I never want to lose.
I have discovered that these people are my true friends.. they are there for me no matter what the problems, and they are there to share with me in times of joy. They never talk behind my back or talk bad about me. Without these people I would not be the person I am today without these people. They all mean the world to me.
I was supposed to go pick up our family pictures and go to work, but it didn't really work out that way. On my way to the portrait studio it started to poor down rain, and when I pulled in to park I got a call from the lady I work with saying that we were rained out, so we wouldn't be working.We didn't work last week, and we aren't going to work next week either.. that's $150 I won't be making!!! I need that money.. it really sucks. Then I went in to get the pictures and the lady said that due to the weather the delivery guy was running late, but that he would be there within an hour, so she took my number and said she would call when they came in. My mom was watching Grace since I was supposed to go to work, so I called her and told her, and she told me to wait for them since I was already out there. Instead of hanging out in the mall by myself I drove to Chris' house because he doesn't live to far from there. We waited around for awhile, and I said I was hungry hoping that we could grab something in the kitchen, but he offered to take me to Olive Garden.. my absolute favorite restaurant! So we went there, and while we were there the lady called, and said the pics were there, and we could pick them up whenever. So we finished up, and went to pick up the pics, and when we got there the lady said that since the pics were late she was going to give us three FREE sheets!! I was thinking "they were only a couple of hours late.. no big deal to me." But hey, who am I to refuse free professional pictures?? Those things are expensive. And the ones they gave us were special ones, with different effects, and boarders and stuff.. really nice!
Anyway.. as far as Chris and I.. I really understand that things are different now. I can see that he does care about me now, and I care so much about him. It's almost like when we first started dating again, but better because we have our daughter as this amazing connection! We can talk about anything, and laugh about everything. He has learned to control himself better, and I have learned to loosed up some. I can't even remember the last time we fought, and that feels so good. Before it seemed like I could remember a day we hadn't fought. Sometimes we'll get upset at each other (more me getting upset with him), but we have learned to drop it, and just say sorry. Yes, he actually says sorry! I understand now that it's not about who's right or wrong, and I think he does too. I see now that it is stupid to fight over small things, and we need to compromise on big things. Fighting leads nowhere.
He is just so much more sweet and loving now... to me and to Grace. It really amazes me how much he has changed.
We just took my car back to that guy in the hopes that he could figure out what was wrong the air conditioner, and it would be an easy, quick, cheap fix,.. no such luck :( He checked a bunch of stuff, and it wasn't any of it. He said there is two more things that could be wrong with it, but the engine was too hot for him to check since the car had just been running. I'm going to have to leave my car with him again, so he can let the engine cool down and check those things. We are taking it back on Sunday. He said one of the things isn't too expensive, but the other is, so please pray that it is the less expensive one! I really hope it is.. but however much it is I will just have to figure out a way to pay for it because I cannot make Grace go through the whole summer like this.
Yesterday we didn't have anything to do, but instead of resting I for some reason felt the need to clean. We have been going out so much lately I haven't had much time to clean so things were starting to pile up. I hate when that happens so I cleaned it all up yesterday, but then for some reason I decided to got through all of Grace's clothes and put all the stuff she can't wear anymore in boxes and pull out all of her new stuff. It took me forever to go through all her drawers and her closet. That girl has more clothes than I do. I did it while Grace was napping, so I had to stop several times when she woke up, but I finally got it done! There were four boxes of clothes and two bags of socks that don't fit her anymore. There was also another box of stuff I want to keep because we are going to have a quilt made out of her baby clothes, so I keep anything I think we might can use. I figured she wouldn't have much left now, but her side of the closet is completely full again! And her drawers are pretty full too. I cannot believe she had so much stuff!
We had lunch with Laura today.. Grace did really well at the restaurant, which lately she usually doesn't. Chris and I have changed our dinner date to Saturday though.
All these boxes are full of stuff she can't wear, and the other pic is of her side of the closet now.
Also, I get to pick up our family pics on Friday!!!
I thought we were going to have a couple days to relax at home, but Grace was just too sick, so I called the doctor and has them squeeze her in. She has an upper respiratory infection :( Nothing as serious as what she usually has though. Pretty much the equivalent of a cold, but she has an awful cough and constantly runny nose. This is her fifth time being sick, and she doesn't even go to day care. I just don't understand it, and I hate it for her. She is so pitiful when she is sick. The doctor says it should go away in about 4 days, but if it doesn't I have to bring her back. Once again they gave me no medicine for her, so we just have to wait it out. One of the girls at the front desk told me we should just move in there because we are there so much. That's how bad it is.
I hope she gets better soon.. We have a busy week ahead of us.
Lunch with Laura (one of my only friends with out a baby) on Wednesday,
Dinner date with Chris Wednesday night,
Going to Brittany's new place for the first time on Thursday (excited!),
then work on Friday (not the least bit excited).
Also, today I was watching TV, and there was this show on about notorious women criminals there were two different teen girls on there who were pregnant and hid it from everyone, and then one girl went into labor at a hotel and had her boyfriend throw the baby in the dumpster! They just let it die. The other girl had her baby in a bathroom at her school prom and threw it in the garbage can, then she went out and danced and ate and acted like nothing happened all while her baby was in the same building dying?? How could you possibly hold a living, breathing baby in your arms.. your baby, and not care one bit about it? I mean did these girls plan this? I normally would never advocate abortion, but in these poor babies cases I actually believe that would have been the better option.. one baby suffocated under a pile of trash, while the other starved to death. How can people be so cruel and heartless??
And then there was a woman who started dating a guy, but he didn't like her two little boys so she put them in their car seats and drove to a lake, got out, released the parking break, and let her car roll off in the lake, so her boys would drown. Then she told the police a black guy stole her car with her kids in it. She did all of this so she could have her boyfriend. I'm sorry, but no man will ever be that important to me.
And there was another woman who killed her two year old daughter, put her in the trunk of her car, and left her body in the woods. She was a beautiful little girl. And the woman always claimed she was with her grandparents or a babysitter, then the grandmother caught on so the girl said that she had been kidnapped a month ago, and she didn't tell the cops because they told her not to. The woman still swears she is innocent, so the police have no idea why she killed her daughter, but they have plenty of evidence that she did. She is awaiting trial now. I could understand if it was an accident, but this woman had been seen in several clubs partying like nothing was wrong since her daughters disappearance.
I just cannot fathom killing or letting my child die! What could possibly be wrong with these women? Even if my daughter died by accident I don't think I would be able to leave my house. I would probably want to die myself. I definitely would not be out partying. And I definitely would never cause her death. These people seriously must be possessed by the devil. The killing of a child is awful, but when someone kills their own child on purpose that is just absolutely heinous!
Hey I've tried to comment your posts, but it won't let me.. not sure why.
Honestly, my experience with breast feeding was absolutely awful. At first it was okay.. it felt good to think that I was "doing the best for her" but it hurt.. Everyone told me that it would quit hurting after about two weeks, but it definitely didn't. It only got worse and worse. At first there was just pain, then bleeding, and then it got to the point where one of my nipples was coming off.. no joke, and extremely painful. At the mere thought of Grace wanting to eat I would cry because I knew it was going to hurt, and then when she actually did eat I would cry the whole time, and hope she would be done soon. I don't care what they say.. that is no way to "bond." I am not saying your experience would be this way, but I'm just letting you know that it can happen. Eventually I got a pump and that gave me some relief, but you have to be absolutely dedicated to that thing. You have to pump like every two hours our you will get really swollen and hard, and leak.. I did not have the time to do that between school, and a new born.
As far as the immunity thing goes I don't believe it one bit. Grace was completely breast fed for the first month and a half of her life and she got RSV once while she was still being breast fed, again right after we stopped breast feeding, a cold after that, a viral infection, and now an upper respiratory infection, and she has never even set foot in a day care.
I am in no way saying you shouldn't try it. If you can pull it off, then go for it, but I know that it was an amazingly long hard battle for me, and when I could no longer do it I felt that I had failed her miserably. I have come to terms with my decision now because I do realize that that was no way for us to bond, and she is a happy, strong, smart, relatively healthy little girl. So if you don't want to try it I will completely understand that as well.
Also, I tried using Lansinoh for relief, which according to the box, in a clinical study not one single person had an allergic reaction. Apparently I am the worlds most unlucky person because I used it, and a few hours later I was itching terribly. I went in my room and took my shirt of and there were welts and everything was red and blotchy, and I itched until the next day. It was awful..
I honestly tried everything to make it work, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be for us.
Yesterday was the last night of Riverbend and every year they have an amazing fireworks display, and since I knew Grace liked fireworks because of the ones from 1890's Day I wanted to take her to these. We (Chris and I) ended up getting there way to early so we walked over to the Aquarium because they have this little river type thing out front. It's not a real river though.. it's man made and runs all around the Aquarium.. it has chlorine in it, so it's completely clean. We eventually found a spot that was like maybe four inches deep so I wanted to let Grace stick her feet in because even though it was dark it was hot. When I stuck her feet in she kept trying to sit down over and over, so eventually we decided to take her clothes off and let her sit in it. She had a blast crawling around and splashing in it, but I was right there beside her the whole time because the bottom is concrete, so I didn't want her slipping and really hurting herself. About an hour before the fireworks started we walked back to the bridge and found an open spot. I wasn't sure how good we would be able to see from there, but there was already a ton of people lined up to see the fireworks. Turns out we were right in front of where they were shooting the fireworks off. We had an amazing view and Grace loved watching them! Unfortunately because that was the last night traffic was crazy after it was over. It took us 45 minutes just to get out of the parking garage!! and then they had all kinds of roads closed off, so we had to go all the way around the world. I had no idea where I was, so I just kept following everyone else in the hopes that they knew where they were going. My plan worked, but somehow it led to Hixson! That is a long way from Downtown and definitely back tracking for me. We didn't get home until after midnight! And Grace was so tired, but she refused to go to sleep in the car, so she cried most of the way home. I hate doing that to her, but that's just one of those times where it is necessary for her to cry it out.
Then today was Father's Day. First we went to eat lunch with my dad at Pizza Hut. When we got done with him Grace and I came back home and she took a nap while I read my book. We were supposed to go straight to Chris' after we got done with my dad, but Grace was so tired, so I let her take a nap first. When she woke up we went to Chris' and just hung out for awhile. Of course Chris' mom and Step-dad commandeered Grace
like they always do, so Chris and I went in his room and watched TV. Then we gave him his present.. we got him some pajama pants because his other ones got a big hole in them, and then a movie he wanted. He seemed to really like them. Then we took him to eat at CiCi's.. he chose it,
seems to be his favorite restaurant lately. I hope he had a good first Father's Day!
That simple little word I have been waiting 7 and a half months to hear... "mama" :) She has said "ma" and "mum." I also have the suspicion that she says "GrayGray"... It sounds more like "gaygay" but we call her GrayGray all the time. Technically "ma" was her first word because she said it with the intent to get my attention, but now she has finally said "mama" and I am so excited. She has said it like 20 times since then too. She said it so much I even got to catch it on video with my phone and I immediately sent it to Brittany and Chris lol. Chris didn't seem all too thrilled, but I think it's because he was hoping she would say "dada" first lol. He still said he was happy for me.
Speaking of Chris.. I really do believe things are different now. Before I loved him and I know he loved me, but it was like we weren't "in love" anymore. We never just cuddled anymore, never held hands, hardly ever showed each other affection, but it is totally different now. I know things are still complicated, but it's like that spark we used to have is back. He came over today just to see us and he gave me a hug, but it wasn't just a hug.. it actually had feelings behind it. Then I was laying on my bed with Grace and he laid behind me and just cuddled me. We haven't done that in months.. and just the way he looks at me now is like he used to look at me when we first started dating. He also always tells me how pretty or beautiful I look without even being prompted lol. I know it could all be an act, but I really hope its not. When he does something like that it really makes me feel special. He also reminds me every time I see him that he swears he will never hurt me again. He also send me a text every morning telling me "good morning," texts randomly during the day saying he loves me, and a text every night telling me "goodnight." I never realized how much the simple things make a difference. I just really hope he keeps it up.
We took Grace to Riverbend on Tuesday. For those of you who don't know Riverbend is a music festival that lasts all week near where we live where most people go to get drunk, but it was Christian night when we went and there is no drinking allowed on that night. Third Day was there, but we didn't really get to see much of them. Too busy walking around talking to whoever we ran into. Grace didn't really seem to care what we were doing and she eventually got tired of being stuck in her stroller. I had a major headache most of the time we were there which wasn't fun, but getting out of the house is always nice. Chris was there and again he was being so sweet. He would push the stroller if my head started hurting, and he would put his arm around me or hold my hand when I was pushing it. It just amazes me.. I keep waiting for the time when he's not going to be sweet anymore.. when somethings going to go wrong again because that is what I am used to. I don't know how long it will take for me to stop thinking that.. if I ever can. I really don't know what our status is right now.. I guessing dating.. but a really complicated kind of dating. It just all seems so perfect right now.. I want perfect. I know that is what would be best for Grace.. to have both of her parents together and happy. I want that so bad.
I post regularly on the 16 and Pregnant message boards.. through that it has made me see somethings more clearly.. peoples intentions are misguided. I have personally been called a liar for claiming I am intelligent. A woman told me that there was no way I could be intelligent if I "was stupid enough to have unprotected sex and get pregnant". Yes, I made a mistake by having unprotected sex, and I got pregnant, but my daughter will never be a mistake. Every baby is born for a reason, and God has a plan for my daughter and me. I have also been told that there was no way I could be a good mother because I was a teenager.. personally I believe age is just a number, and it is all about how you take on the responsibility of parenthood. If I looked at it and said "I am still a teenager and I am going to act like one" then I would never be a good mother, but I didn't. I saw what was in front of me and I took it in stride. I knew from the time that I saw that little word "pregnant" I could no longer act like a teenager.. I had to grow up and become a mother, a nurturing, loving, caring mother. I have also had numerous statistics thrown in my face. "You won't graduate high school." "You will live on welfare." "You will never graduate college." "I will never have a well paying job." The list goes on and on.
I graduated high school.. and the only government assistance I receive is WIC, but the majority of mothers I know of any age receive WIC. As far as college and a well paying job goes.. I have my goals set.. only God knows if I will achieve them, but I know I am going to try my hardest. I also know that those four years of college ahead of me absolutely terrify me, and people who insist on insuring me I "won't graduate college" do not help to ease my fears at all. I do not understand why people who are not nor were ever teenage mothers feel the need to go on a message board for teenage mothers and bashed us into the ground. It is not just me, but all of us that are ridiculed on there. If we try to report something positive we are told that we are lying. Negative statistics are shoved in our faces constantly as if the media doesn't do that good enough for us. I don't know about anyone else, but I know that I hate hearing that stuff. I someone was going to run a marathon, and in the months of training before that all people told them was how hardly anyone makes it to the finish line and how hard it was going to be do you think that person would be more likely to finish the race or drop out? People need to offer the "runner" words of encouragement, tips on how to finish the race, assure them that 'yes some people do drop out, but some people do make it too'. It makes no since to terrify someone.. I am lucky that God has gifted me with intelligence, but I have no doubt that if I was an average student or especially if I just barely made through high school those type of people would make me consider not going to college and just trying to find a job. The thought of that has crossed my mind at times, but I know that is not what is best for my daughter and me. To me it seems that these people may be creating more of a problem than there already is. I know that they are not helping anyone.. it does no good to tell anyone they can't do something..
I think these peoples intentions have crossed over to the wrong path.. they are bashing people who are just trying to do the best they can, and bashing our achievements as well. If they are trying to help they are not.. plain and simple. Maybe they think they will scare us into succeeding, but I have no doubt that more often than not they scare us into failing.
There are 12 and 13 year old girls who post on the message boards saying how they want to have babies. I am not really sure what is going through their heads because I know that was the last thing on my mind when I was 12. They say that they have babysat so they know what it would be like. I have news for them.. it is nothing like babysitting. And I tell them that. I would never advocate a young girl getting pregnant. Yes they could turn out to be a great mother, but no matter how good of a mother you are it will always be harder for us in every way. And then what if that girl decided she still wanted to act like a teenager.. that poor baby would never have a good life. That is why I would never support a young girl wanting a baby or even having unprotected sex. This may make me sound like hypocrite, but I have learned now, and have different views. However, I notice that the same posters who degrade teen moms "handle these girls with care" so to speak, and I do not understand that at all. These are the girls who need to be scared. They need the statistics thrown in their faces to know what they could face. I just can't fathom why a girl who already has a baby gets ridiculed when we are doing well, when what really need is advice (most of us except it in any form, shape, or way), and then a girl who is very willing to become a girl with a baby is treated kindly. It makes no sense to me. I believe that if there was a greater support system for teenage mothers there would be much more success among us. I just wish these people could see the damage they are doing..
The last time I got to drive my car before it broke down was when it was still cold outside.. I tried the air when we bought it and it felt cool.. well now that we got it running again I have discovered that it is not cold at all.. we tried putting freon (sp?) in it, but of course it couldn't be something simple like that.. we paid $40 for that stuff for nothing :(
So now we are riding around with no air conditioner in 90+ degree weather and it is miserable. Poor Grace hates it.. her little cheeks get flushed almost as soon as we get in the car and that is with the windows down..
We are going to take it back to the guy who just fixed it for cheap as soon as possible so Grace won't have to be miserable. But that also means I won't have my car again for however long it takes him to fix it..
Also, we are going to have Grace's pictures made on Wednesday!! Super excited about that :)
We took Grace to the zoo for the first time today. It was Chris, me, Grace, Brittany, Sami, Erica, and Cayle. Morgan and Christian were supposed to come to, but they didn't get to. It was still a lot of fun! I had to pick up Brittany, Sami, Chris, and the stroller, so we were about an hour late (I still feel awful about that Erica). Grace didn't really seem to care much about the animals, but she did like the bright, loud parrots. I think she just liked rolling around outside in her stroller more than anything. It did start raining for a little while, so we all sat under a pavilion, and apparently the peacocks are allowed to roam wherever they want because two of them came up under the pavilion with us. After we got done at the zoo we all went to eat and talk. It was really nice to spend some time with people again.. and use my car again lol.
When we dropped Chris off he wanted to show us his project car he has been working on so we let Grace visit with his mom while we looked. When we were about to leave I put Grace in her car seat and stepped back into a ditch. I twisted my ankle and fell down.. it hurt so bad at first it made me cry, and Chris got down on the ground with me and kept asking if I was okay and he was rubbing my ankle, and then when it stopped hurting so bad he insisted on helping me up, and helping me walk to my side of the car, and the whole time he kept asking if I was okay. It was really nice to see him care. I could tell he really was concerned for me. Luckily it doesn't hurt unless I try to walk fast or run, so I guess that's good. Anyway.. more good signs from Chris.
After that I took Brittany and Sami home, and Grace and I just got home not to long ago.. it was a really great day!!
So we took my car in to get it fixed on Saturday... my grandmother called me today and said it was ready!
He's only going to charge me $50!! He fixed my oil leak and put the belt on for me. So all together I paid $125 (I paid $75 to rent the thing to tow it over there), and I was expecting it to be like $300 because that is just my luck with cars. My grandmother is on her way to pick me up now so we can go get it! I am so happy.. Also my dad said he would help me pay for it, and I'm pretty sure he will cover the entire $125 since he was expecting it to be like $300 as well. It feels amazing to know I can just run to the store if I need to! I can't wait to go pick it up.
Now we can take the babies swimming Brittany! Lol.
Put a slide show on here! I'm proud of it because it took me forever to figure out.. but I did it! Now I can have more than one picture of Grace on here :)
Watched The Secret Life of the American Teenager today.. season premier. Still not sure if I like that show anymore. It kind of portrays teen moms as lazy and helpless, but it's one of those shows that you want to know what happens in the end. Pretty sure Adrienne is pregnant now too, but I kind of think they are going to have her get an abortion, which I completely disagree with.
The only thing I like about Chris not living with us anymore is that I can watch whatever I want on TV whenever I want (as long as Grace permits lol). I absolutely love being able to do that. However, he did come watch Secret Life with me.. he secretly likes that show. Kind of excited for the new show coming on tomorrow night called Pretty Little Liars. It looks pretty interesting. Since I have no car to take Grace out we are stuck inside, and since she isn't interested in TV yet I have found lots of new shows I like. That will change as soon as I get my car though.. Grace and I will have plenty of summer adventures. Still haven't heard anything about my car yet though.. hope it's not worse than we thought. Bright side is my dad has offered to help me pay for it :) Hopefully it won't be too much longer.
This morning Grace and I went to church with Brittany, Jessie, and Sami. I really had no intentions of leaving her in the nursery before we left for church, but once we got there and I saw all the toys and things they had to do and met the people who would be watching her I decided it would be okay to leave her. The people were so nice.. they were excited that they were going to have another baby (there was only one other, named Grayson coincidentally lol), so I could hardly tell them no. I told them that I had never left her with anyone she didn't know, but she assured me she would be fine. It felt good to actually be able to listen to the sermon without having to pull out toys or fix a bottle, but I still caught myself wondering about her. When church was over I went back and she was asleep! When I walked in the lady goes "I'm sorry, but I am going to have to take her home with me. She is just a doll, and she is about one second away from walking isn't she?" She went on to tell me that she did perfectly fine. She said she didn't cry once, and loved climbing on all the stuff they had for babies and playing with the toys. I was relieved to see that she did just fine. It is nice to think that I can have that hour to learn more about God, and not have to worry about how she is doing. I cannot wait to go back next week! I hope my car is fixed by then..
In other news.. we switched Grace to a bigger car seat today, and she loved it! She loved being able to actually sit up and see what was going on.. sleeping in it was a bit of a challenge for her though. Her head was all cocked sideways, but she didn't seem to mind.
Lastly, a little while after church Chris came and picked Grace and me up to take us swimming. It was Grace's first time in a pool, and she loved it! At first she was a little apprehensive, but she didn't cry or anything. A couple of times she accidentally got splashed and she didn't like that at all, but she loved floating around in her floaty and playing with her water toys. After about 45 minutes she got cold, and wanted to get out, but I consider that a definite success for the first time in a pool!
After we were done at the pool Chris took us back to my house, and actually stayed for a little while. We watch the premier of Kate Plus Eight lol. We also ate dinner and talked for a little while. He is begging to be back with us, and I told him my head wants to be, but my heart is guarded. I have been hurt by him so much in these last few months, and while I am confident that I could survive it again, I in no way want to have to. He assures me that he will never hurt me again because he has changed.. which in some ways I see. He does things he used to do back when we first started dating like open doors for me, and then he does some things he has never done.. He held Grace while I ate, he got her ready to get in the pool which involved changing her diaper, he even got down and played with her on the floor (he has absolutely never done that before) and I could tell she loved it!
I do miss him so much, and we have had fun in these last few days, but I just don't feel that it is time yet.. I need to be positive that I won't get hurt again and that Grace won't have to witness the fighting or tears anymore.
Also.. guess who came crawling back yesterday..
Chris was supposed to come fix my belt on my car yesterday.. well he texted me in the morning and said "Good morning. I've been thinking about me and you." and I was like "What about?" figuring it would be something mean, and he said "I miss you." I just kind of left it at that and ask what time he was coming over. When he got here my mom's friend was here and she was playing with Grace so he pulled me outside and basically started begging me to get back with him. He says he realizes now that all the things I did for him were not to control him but to care about him and keep him out of trouble. He got a ticket and he said that is what made him start thinking. Before I was around he got tickets a lot, and the I would tell him to slow down, and he didn't get tickets. Then he got a ticket and started thinking that maybe I wasn't just nagging him.. maybe I really was trying to help (this is what he told me). He may lose his license for a year now because he has had so many tickets. He goes to court on the 14th, I really hope he doesn't.
Ever since yesterday he has been being really sweet. He begged me to go out with him last night after I got off work. I finally gave in and he took me to eat, and gave me my graduation present, and we just talked. It was nice, but we could only stay out for about an hour because Grace was with my mom and she wanted me back home.
Today he was supposed to take Grace and me swimming, but my grandmother called and said that the guy would see my car today, but Chris couldn't get the belt on yesterday because he didn't have the right tools, so I called him to see what we could do, and he said we could rent a thing to tow it with at Uhaul for cheaper than actually towing it, and his friend would tow it for me. We went to rent one and it said his friends car wasn't capable of towing my car (which they towed a car heavier than mine from Atlanta just a week ago with the same thing), so we had to find someone with a bigger truck. We called Chris' mom, but of course she wouldn't help.. his friend ended up getting another friend to pull it. But all day Chris was being so sweet. He opened my doors for me, and sat in the back seat with me. He kept saying "I don't think we should date.. I think we should get back together and go on more dates than we did to work on our relationship," and I asked him what was going to keep us from fighting and he said "That's simple.. I' going to change. I realize now that everything I was doing was wrong and unfair to you and Grace." Tomorrow he is taking us swimming. I know that it is wayyyy too soon for me to decide that I definitely want to get back with him, but at least he is taking steps in the right direction. If he keeps it up he may just get his family back..
Since Grace can crawl around now I wanted our room to be more accessible for her. I spent like a hour just thinking about how I wanted to arrange it, and then didn't like the way I arranged it at first so I rearranged it again, and now I love it! I didn't even know my room had so much floor space! And Grace loves it too :)
Another plus is that it will be easier to clean because everything is accessible. No climbing over or around stuff. Before the bed was in the middle of the room and there was just a little bit of floor space on each side.
Grace stood up on her own today!! She was just playing in the floor and she stood up. She fell after about two seconds, but she still did it!
That's three milestones Chris has missed since he left.. and he's only been gone for a week.
Clapping, crawling, standing, what's next? And how many more will he miss? He'll probably get lucky and see a few of them, but he will miss most of them, and it breaks my heart for Grace.
So today marks the first day of my truly single mom life. For some reason he has decided to completely give up on his family. Today he came to take me to buy a belt for my car, and then said he couldn't fix it today because he "had his own things to do." Well he's had his own things to do everyday since Friday. He was the first person to leave my graduation party because he "had to help his friend." Then he had promised me for three weeks that he was going to come to 1890's day with us. I called him and told him I needed him to come get us and we would meet my dad down there. Well 15 minutes after he was supposed to be there he wasn't. Luckily it was close enough for us to walk, but not in time for us to see the whole parade. When I got down there he was there with his friend and he said I told him my dad was picking me up.. he just blatantly wasn't listening and then he decided he was going to leave after only being there for an hour, so I asked him to bring me her car seat so my dad could take us home later.. he brought me the car seat base. Again he was too busy worrying about his friend, and wasn't listening to me. He came back later so we could watch the fireworks, but left as soon as they were over, and again he was with his friend. So much for a fun family day.. it was fun, but not with him.
Then yesterday he was supposed to come so we could order my belt. He promised me he would, but then he blew me off because he "had to work on his car." His car that runs.. when my car doesn't. Then today after he told me he had things to do I said, "It seems like everything is more important than us." He got mad, stormed out, and left. Then I got a text saying "I don't think we should even date anymore." We texted back and forth and eventually it came to the point that I don't make him happy..
I cooked for him, cleaned all his messed, set bored out of everyday as he played video games all day long, did anything sexually for him when he wanted it whether I wanted to or not, lost all of my guy friends because of his jealousy, sat at home while he went out with his friends, took care of OUR baby from the time I got home until the next morning when I had to go to school again, took care of him every time he was sick (which was there were many times), paid for his food and let him have a place to live while he spent any money he earned on everything except his daughter.. I did everything for him, and somehow he's not happy and I'm the one doing everything wrong.
He got me pregnant on purpose.. yes my dirty little secret is out. I had talked about how I would like to have a baby, but that I wanted to wait until we were older and financially stable. He "agreed" and told me he would pull out.. I know that's not the best method of protection, and I just figured that is why I got pregnant.. no, a few months back he told me that he got me pregnant on purpose because he didn't think he was going to live long and he wanted to see his child grow up. And now what does he do? Leaves me alone to take care of her.. and that is the problem.. she is a she. He cried when we found out she was a girl, and not tears of joy.. he wanted a boy. He always complained that she would never like him and they would have nothing in common, so I guess she's just not good enough for him. I know he loves her, but he doesn't think he is positive he will never bond with her, so I guess he just doesn't care.
I always said how "great" everything was between us, but it never was. We had our good moments, but then it was over, and the fighting started again. I really wanted to fix things.. to be a happy family for Grace, and I was in it for the long haul. I was going to do whatever it took to make it work, so Grace could have her mommy and her daddy together, but he obviously wasn't in it for the long haul. He gave up after just a week.. no one said it would be easy of fixed over night, but apparently it has to be that way for him and that just won't work. And I am not going to sit around and wait for him to be ready. He has hurt me enough. It breaks my heart to realize that we really are done. We used to be so amazing together. I don't understand what happened.. I guess it all started when he cheated on me.. we were never the same after that. I just wish so much that we really were meant to be together. I do love him, but honestly I don't know why I do.. he never treated me right anymore. He didn't even treat our daughter very well. I guess it's just that I my heart doesn't want to give up, but my head knows it is time.