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Saturday, August 14, 2010

Issues with body image..

I have never had problems with my weight. When I started high school I weighed 115 lbs. I always stayed somewhere between 110 and 115 lbs. After I was with Chris for awhile I guess I got comfortable and I gained a little weight, but no huge deal or anything. After I had Grace I lost all of my weight and I could even fit back in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I was so happy, but then I started taking birth control right around the same time I stopped breast feeding and I gained all my baby weight back. I felt so horrible having to buy new, bigger clothes. I want so bad to be back where I was. I always said that when it got warm I would go on walks with Grace and do things to exercise, but then all that stuff happened with Chris, and I could barely keep my head on straight.. much less exercise. Now that my life is back on track I want to make it right. I have decided that I am no longer going to drink cokes, Dr. Pepper, etc. And that I am also going to stop eating fast food, and try to cut back on the junk food, and I also want to start walking around our neighborhood with Grace. It seems safe enough and I would only do it during the day. This is just what I am going to do in the beginning because I know if I try to but everything out at once I will never be able to do it. I also have sort of let myself go since I had Grace.. I no longer wear make-up or do anything with my hair. I want to start doing those things again. They make me feel better about myself, and I think that will help me stay on track. Plus Grace can actually sit on the floor and play or play with her daddy so it will be easier for me to do those things.
I want to be healthy for my little girl, and I want to feel good about myself again. I am tired of looking in the mirror and haring what I see. I at least want to get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight again. I am going to start tomorrow. I am going to take Grace out for a walk for at least 30 minutes if she will allow it. I have already sort of started today by only drinking water, and not eating any fast food. I am determined to keep it up. I am going to keep track of it on here. Maybe I'll even make a separate blog to keep up with. Anyway.. I am hoping for some support on here because I kind of doubt I will get much from Chris. He doesn't understand a woman's struggle with body image.. the struggle to live up to the expectations of the media. He also like his junk food, fast food, and Dr. Pepper, which is going to make it hard for me.. but I am determined.. If nothing else to be more healthy. Let me know what you guys think..

3 comments:

  1. OMG!!! I am so with you. I was the skinny popular girl in school who guys always hung around. I always loved clothes and could do anything with them. I modeled down in Jacksonville for awhile until my mom took my out so I could focus on school. I wanted to go to the Art Institute of Savannah and get a degree in fashion. I have a book full of sketches of clothes. I even was Mardi Gra queen in the 10th grade and was nominated for homecoming Queen But was not aloud to follow through due to my pregnancy (it was before I was big ). After I had Kaedyn I dropped all my weight in 4 weeks. I was so happy to see the scale but not happy to see myself in the mirror. It told a total different story. My stomach was perfectly toned and flat. I was told by the doctor that that pouch will always be there especially since I had a c-section and it was all just extra stretched out skin. I didnt feel like any part of my body was right not just the tummy but my legs and bottom. I was so toned. I always tried to eat right before I was pregnant and worked out everyday. I was huge about calories. During all my pregnancies including this one I TRY to eat the best stuff and low calorie. I fill extremely guilty for eating a piece of cheesecake today. Drew has heard it all day and just says it's nothing. Your not fat. I am so tired of those words. It makes me sick. We use to walk a mile and a 1/2 everyday around our neighborhood which use to make me feel better but we haven't been able to lately due to rain and then if it doesn't rain misquotes are out because of the previous rain. I dont want the babies to get eaten up. Yesterday we walked but not today because of stupid rain. But anyways... Go for it. I totally understand. And i understand about the looking better thing to. Like I said I loved clothes and always wore them well but I have like no clothes. I have stretched out old clothes that I cant really wear or clothes that are stained and faded and just dont fit right due to years of washing and wear and tear. I haven't had new clothes since the summer of '07. I can't afford clothes for me. My weekly wardrobe is 3 t-shirts and 3 sophie's (shorts). It's really embarrassing. My little 17 year old sister doesn't let me forget how bad I look always wearing the same clothes and never doing anything with my hair (my straightener is old and fried I cant afford another one. My mom and dad is the same way. They have even made the comment of "I don't see why Drew is still with you if you always look like that." then my mom throws in just how good she looked after she had me. I just say, Well I just didn't throw away money on myself and drop my kids off at peoples house to go party." Rough past anyways... It does scare me at times when we are out and I see girls that are our age looking SOOOO much better than me. Drew deserves that. It makes me feel extremely bad almost to the point of tears. I HATE my body. I am struggling right now to make sure I stay in a safe pregnancy on the lower side. You can gain anywhere between 25-35 pounds for a healthy pregnancy weight. Kaedyn I gained 38 and Charleigh 29 so this time I hope it is lower. I dont want to make my stomach look even worse than it already does. O and I did sit ups and workout videos everyday religiously while i wasnt pregnant and still couldn't get where I wanted. It is super hard especially if you dont have nice clothes to at least cover it up and make you feel some what decent. Sorry if this is long but I totally support you. It really brings you down when you dont like the way you look. It makes me wonder if he is really ok with it or just saying it... ugh. I hate it. And if your like me when you get depressed you tend to snack and often times on the not so healthy stuff which then makes you feel worse about it. It is an ongoing cycle.

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  2. oh my gosh i know! after i got together with Thomas i started gaining i used to walk every where and hardly ate. and then i started driving everywhere and eating fast food and junk. and after getting pregnant twice i am no where close to where i used to be i was never that tinny though i was like 147 and i was starting to be happy with that then a gained. haha go figure! good luck!!

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  3. Jessika.. That sucks that your sister and your mom do that to you. You do not deserve that. Trust me.. you are smaller than me and you are on your third kid, so you are doing really good I think. Luckily my dad bought me some new clothes last summer for school. He let me go pick out what I like, and they still fit pretty well, and then for Christmas I got gift cards to clothes stores so I used them to get some clothes that fit. I haven't bought anything for myself with money though. I know what you mean about that. I am just going to ask for some more gift cards this Christmas, so hopefully I will get them, so I can get some clothes. And I slso eat when I'm depressed. I gained right around 30 lbs with Grace and that is what I am aiming to lose, but I would love just to lose anything. Oh and I was nominated for Junior Homecoming Princess.. I probably would have been nominated for Homecoming Queen Senior year, but I was like 7-8 months pregnant lol.

    Chrissy.. I used to be really active too.. softball, dance, qymnastics, but then I started high school and wanted to focus on friends lol. Dumb I know. After I gained a little I was so upset with myself, but now when I look back at pictures I think "Gosh, I would give anything to get back there."

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