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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Why does it have to be so hard???

Okay, I admit it. I am a major Twilight buff. In my defnese, I read all the books before they became so popular. I still like the movies though because Kristen Stewart was my favorite actress before she was ever cast as Bella.
Anyway, Chris' mom and cousin, and a few other people are going to see Breaking Dawn next Friday, and they want me to go. She even said she would pay for it. I would really like to, but the thought of leaving Brentley literally made me cry when I first thought about it. It's not that I don't trust Chris. It's just that Brentley has never been away from me, ever. I know it would only be about 3 hours (with driving there and back), but it's still hard for me to imagine leaving him.
Chris says I should go, but I am seriously torn over this. To me, it's like I shouldn't leave him until I have to (basically for school), but then it would also be nice to have some me time since I haven't had any since he was born, BUT (lol) then I start thinking about how he is more important then me, so I shouldn't go. I keep going back and forth in my head. What would you guys do?? And please tell me honestly. I won't get mad or offended or anything like that.    

And then there's this...
Chris' mom work at this place designed for special needs people. She said they have about 10 pages full of job openings, and a bunch of the openings are teaching assistant positions. She says because they are in such need, I could pretty much pick my days and hours. Not to mention it would give me work experience in the field I am studying. She says she can pretty much guarantee me a job because she will talk to them and get me hired. Plus, extra money is always good. It might could get us into a nicer place than this. But I would only want to work two days a week max, and it would have to fit my school schedule. As long as they can work with me on that, I think this would be a good opportunity. I'm supposed to go get an application sometime this weekend, but I'm nervous, again, about leaving Brentley. That would also pretty much guarantee us having to suuplement some formula eventually because there is no way I would have enough for working and school. That just tears me up inside. I know it won't kill him, or even hurt him, but I still feel like I am failing him justlike did with Grace.***I have no problem with people who formula feed. I am a firm believer in "your kid, you do it your way." It's just that for me, I feel like breastfeeding is best for my son. I still beat myself up over the fact that I didn't try harder for Grace.
But anyway, what do you guys think about the job? Yes or no?


  1. Honest Opinion I swear!!!! First off I understand 100%!!!! I hate to leave my babies and still can't quite do it with Ellanoa and she is almost 11 months. When I had to have them in daycare I couldn't concentrate I. School. I would just be counting down the time I had to go get them. All I could think about is I am suppose to be holding her,I should be cuddling with them, I make te breakfast and lunch, I feed Ellanoa. What am I missing? Did they do something funny or cute that I missed and potentially will never know about?! It sucks!!! We have had opportunities but we have just started saying no... We tried a couple times but I would convince him to take at lease one of them(Ellanoa) and then we would end up turnin around because I was in tears over the whole thing. I just can't do it. We just wait for movies to come out on Netflix or redbox and have a movie night together when babies go to bed. Even if it was a movie I really wanted to see(like Harry potter 7). I found it much better on u

  2. Honestly, girl, I think you should do it. I know it is hard. I still hate to leave Samantha, but it is just something you gotta do for you. I am sure you will have fun. And Brentley may even be asleep while you are gone. And at least you are leaving him with Chris. You know?

    I also know how you feel about the breastfeeding thing. I wish I would have tried harder with Samantha. They said the reason she wasn't able to was her dysphagia, but I should have tried to at least pump. :/ But as he gets older, he may not need as much milk, so maybe you could start giving him cereal instead of supplementing with formula? The teaching experience does sound like a good idea, as long as you are not overwhelming yourself with working and school.

  3. Ok sorry my phone went stupid and I didn't get to finish... But yea...I found I felt much better doing that than going. I just couldnt. Guilt ate me alive. I'm not kidding. I would be tears. I say don't! I'm not saying your a bad person if you do decide to go.

    As for the other issue I have no idea.... It's almost a need based thing. Money=Better place for your babies. But at the same time just because it is something you need doesn't necessarily make it any easier. And with breastfeeding I have no idea. I would hate for you to have to supplement I hate that I didn't try. I knew I wanted to buy everyone around me convinced me not to because of school and all but the lease I could have done was at lease half and half!!! I am determined if I ever have a fourth to at lease try(it's harder for baby after c section).

  4. Idk.. like the movie theather is literally 5 minutes from us, so I could get back quick if I needed, but like Jessika is saying, I don't know if I could enjoy it. I even told Chris that today. I was like, "I just don't know if I can enjoy it. I'll be worrying about Brentley the whole time." But he took that as me saying I didn't trust him to watch Brentley. I tried to explain to him that it's not that, but I don't think he understands. So now I feel like, if I don't go he is going to think I don't trust him to watch the babies. Gahh this is so difficult! Lol.

    As for the breastfeeding. I feel like I should have pumped for Grace. I was pumping, and getting like 8 ounces at a time, but I pretty much just gave up. I was so overwhelmed with school, being a brand new mom, living at my mom's house and feeling like a burden to her, and having a strained relationship with Chris that at the time I felt like I couldn't keep up with it all. But now I look back on it, and think I was being an idiot. I have so much more on my plate now, yet I don't feel overwhelmed, so I feel like I should have been able to do it back then, but I took the easy way out :(

  5. Yah. Jessie gets like that. I made the comment that I may not go to Black Friday this year even though I can drive. And he asked why. I said, "Samantha is too young to stay with you this year. Maybe next year she will be old enough." I could tell he was hurt, and he has stayed home with her before and my sister in law watches her periodically. idk what I mean by it, but he was hurt.

    Yah. I guess the whole "being caught in between-" having a family, but yet being in school and with your Mom, was more stressful because there was all this stuff that you had to figure out in order to move forward. Don't beat yourself up about it, girl. At least you are trying harder with Brentley.

  6. I totally get what you mean. There have been plently of times when Drew has told me to get out and do something or even just go to the library and study but I just couldn’t. He was hurt by it and just doesn’t understand. It’s hard to explain but yall get it because yall are mommy’s too. Its like this invisible chain that is wrapped around our heart and binds us with our babies. If that chain is broken well…here comes the water works and guilt.
    I think the question we need to ask ourselves is…..Do the babies really need us every with them at all times until they are a certain age(and we keep pushing the date) or do we need them? The thought of them not needing us 24/7 is painful at lease for me. Yesterday Drew brought up that he cant wait till the babies are older and we have family reunions. I was taken aback. I was like why would we need a family reunion. He replied so we could see the babies. I was offended. I told him I was going to see them if not every day and lease a couple times a week. And that we didn’t need a stupid family reunion. I was really hurt by the thought of not seeing them on a daily basis.
    More than likely they are fine with daddy and it is just us who is dying inside. Sure they may fuss because we are leaving but that is just because we are there. As soon as we leave daddy is going to find a way to comfort them and is going to do something with them even if it isn’t the something that we necessarily do. But they need that daddy time to. They need the memories of doing special things with daddy and daddies need those memories also. Look at me…I am the perfect example..yall are probably way better than me….But like when Kaedyn was doing baseball I was on the field with him a MAJORITY of the time. Before we ever had children Drew talked about how if he had a son that they would share that love of sports together. He would play with him in the yard, he would try not to miss any games, he would be his number one fan but I stole that. I couldn’t help it. I wanted to be a part of it all. Drew was there at the games but he was watching the girls so he missed a lot. To make it even worse I had to also direct him on how to watch the girls. What he could give them and what they were allowed to do. I even directed him to stay within my eye sight and ear shot…I couldn’t miss anything with them either. I did have Drew go out on the field once. He was so excited he ran out there and gave Kaedyn a pat on the back. Kaedyn turned around and saw that it was him and said,”Daddy go get mommy. Im playing baseball.” Drew was hurt. He came and got me and I could just tell he was broken hearted. It wasn’t that Kaedyn needed or even wanted me on the field it was that he thought that I was suppose to be there because I always had. Drew missed a lot. He missed Kaedyn hitting the coach in the back of the head with a base ball, he missed Kaedyn catching more and more balls, He missed Kaedyn diving for a ball and being at the bottom of a dog pile to only jump up and cheer that he still had the ball(a very proud moment), he miss Kaedyn hitting the ball out of there. He missed it all. Whenever I would say “did you see that…” Drew would ask what and when I told him his face would drop. But he never said anything and just let me have it. He knew it was important to me…but I couldn’t share it even though I knew it was important to him.

  7. Soccer will be starting soon and even though I am saying all this I am not sure if it will change anything. I want to be apart of every bit of it even though I know how important sports are to Drew. I am so lucky(we all are) to have husbands that are so involved in our childrens lives. That they want to also be apart of it all…many women would kill for that…so why cant I share….
    Sigh…it is so hard….when you don’t go to the movies you are stopping yourself from being hurt but causing pain for Chris…when Brittany doesn’t go shopping on Black Friday she is stopping her hurt but causing hurt to Jessie(and im not saying this may necessarily true..just a view)…and when I don’t step of the field I am doing the same….we are sacrificing our hurt for theirs when they sacrifice EVERY Day for us by going to work and providing what we need…..even to jobs they may not necessarily like….while we get to be at home getting that EVERY moment with them…sigh…does this change anything …no probably not because we are good moms…we cant let go.
    We don’t even see what is going on when we go somewhere and they are left with daddies or whomever….i think that is what kills us….but more than likely they are fine and are making a memory with daddy…even if they are to young to remember the actual memory…they remember the feeling….
    Is it really hurting the babies or us???
    This want suppose to be that long….I was kinda realizing stuff as I type. Please do not take offend to anything I say.

    And yea don’t beat yourself up to bad at lease you are doing better with Brentley. I screwed up 3 times.

  8. Could you take Brently with you? Maybe he would sleep. You could have him in his sling. It is dark in the theater so if you needed to feed him you could. I always took mine when they were that little.