I CANNOT shake the baby fever. I try and try to convince myself that our family is complete, but I just can't. If I see a pregnant woman, I miss having that baby belly, feeling a baby stirring inside of me. If I see a tiny baby, I can help but "awww" at it. And don't even get me started on seeing tiny baby clothes.
Today, Brentley and I joined Chris and Grace to her gymnastics class. Brentley and I were sitting upstairs in the viewing area, and the woman and her husband sat down beside us. It didn't take me long to figure out she was pregnant. She wasn't showing, but they were looking up baby stuff on his iPad. Then, she called one of the companies to talk about a bed, and she said, "I'm the one that's having twins."
Now, here I go sounding even more crazy... I want twins. I want a boy and a girl. I told Chris this the other day, and he looked at me like I had lost my mind (which I think I have lol).
I think the hardest thing for me is that we have the perfect names picked out for a boy and a girl, and the thought of never getting to use them, to actually meet these babies I already have named.
I told you, crazy.
No, let me make clear that I am NOT pregnant, nor do I intend to get pregnant any time soon. We are not in the financial position to have anymore children at this point. However, if we were, I am fairly certain we would be trying for a third child right now.
I go back and forth in my head about whether we will have more. It obvious that I want to have that experience again, but I don't want big age gaps between my little ones. I love the age gap between Grace and Brentley, but that's just not possible (I got pregnant with Brentley when Grace was 13 months and 2 days old. Brentley is 13 months and 19 days old, so we've officially gone longer without getting pregnant with another child, which, at this point, is a good thing).
I think another thing is that I long for the experience of planning and being ready for a child. At 17, I was 8 WEEKS late before I finally took a test (that Chris pretty much forced me to take). I didn't want to believe I was pregnant. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even stop crying long enough to tell my mom. I just handed her the test.
With Brentley, I knew there was a chance I could be pregnant the moment it happened, and a week later, I knew I was pregnant. Yet, when I took that test a month later, I still cried.
Don't get me wrong, I love my babies more than anything. It's just that, at those times, the uncertainty was overwhelming in both instances.
I want to have that experience of trying for a baby, and being over the moon to see a +.
There is not a day that goes by that this doesn't cross my mind. Very few people know this, but it's true. This is the one thing that I cannot let go of. I can get passed the names that won't be used, the thought of never feeling the first kick, things like that... but I can't get passed this.
In Grace's and Brentley's baby books, there is a place that talks about finding out we were pregnant. Once line says, "Mommy and daddy celebrated by..." In both of there books, that line is still blank. The last thing on my mind was celebrating, and I can't bare to tell them that we didn't celebrate them nor can I lie to them, so it remains blank.
I want more than anything to be able to fill those lines, but I can't go back and change the past :/
There really is no point to this post other than to get this off my chest. There are no babies in our immediate future, and possibly not in the future at all... only time will tell.