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Monday, October 15, 2012

I'm losing my mind...

Be prepared... this entire post is going to make me sound crazy.

I CANNOT shake the baby fever. I try and try to convince myself that our family is complete, but I just can't. If I see a pregnant woman, I miss having that baby belly, feeling a baby stirring inside of me. If I see a tiny baby, I can help but "awww" at it. And don't even get me started on seeing tiny baby clothes.

Today, Brentley and I joined Chris and Grace to her gymnastics class. Brentley and I were sitting upstairs in the viewing area, and the  woman and her husband sat down beside us. It didn't take me long to figure out she was pregnant. She wasn't showing, but they were looking up baby stuff on his iPad. Then, she called one of the companies to talk about a bed, and she said, "I'm the one that's having twins."

Now, here I go sounding even more crazy... I want twins. I want a boy and a girl. I told Chris this the other day, and he looked at me like I had lost my mind (which I think I have lol).

I think the hardest thing for me is that we have the perfect names picked out for a boy and a girl, and the thought of never getting to use them, to actually meet these babies I already have named.
I told you, crazy.

No, let me make clear that I am NOT pregnant, nor do I intend to get pregnant any time soon. We are not in the financial position to have anymore children at this point. However, if we were, I am fairly certain we would be trying for a third child right now.

I go back and forth in my head about whether we will have more. It obvious that I want to have that experience again, but I don't want big age gaps between my little ones. I love the age gap between Grace and Brentley, but that's just not possible (I got pregnant with Brentley when Grace was 13 months and 2 days old. Brentley is 13 months and 19 days old, so we've officially gone longer without getting pregnant with another child, which, at this point, is a good thing).

I think another thing is that I long for the experience of planning and being ready for a child. At 17, I was 8 WEEKS late before I finally took a test (that Chris pretty much forced me to take). I didn't want to believe I was pregnant. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even stop crying long enough to tell my mom. I just handed her the test.
With Brentley, I knew there was a chance I could be pregnant the moment it happened, and a week later, I knew I was pregnant. Yet, when I took that test a month later, I still cried.
Don't get me wrong, I love my babies more than anything. It's just that, at those times, the uncertainty was overwhelming in both instances.
I want to have that experience of trying for a baby, and being over the moon to see a +.
There is not a day that goes by that this doesn't cross my mind. Very few people know this, but it's true. This is the one thing that I cannot let go of. I can get passed the names that won't be used, the thought of never feeling the first kick, things like that... but I can't get passed this.
In Grace's and Brentley's baby books, there is a place that talks about finding out we were pregnant. Once line says, "Mommy and daddy celebrated by..." In both of there books, that line is still blank. The last thing on my mind was celebrating, and I can't bare to tell them that we didn't celebrate them nor can I lie to them, so it remains blank.
I want more than anything to be able to fill those lines, but I can't go back and change the past :/

There really is no point to this post other than to get this off my chest. There are no babies in our immediate future, and possibly not in the future at all... only time will tell.


  1. *Hugs* Girl, I am sorry. I didn't realize it bothered you that much! But I definitely see why. I could sit here and tell you that you have two beautiful, sweet babies all day, and that I think it is super cool that they are so close in age and that you were brave enough to keep him and raise him yourself, and I admire that. But that doesn't change how you feel about that "excitement factor." Unfortunately, there is nothing I can say, but text me if you need to talk.

    I know the feeling though, and I fear sometimes that is the only reason I want another. I LOVE Samantha being an only child. (Even though sometimes I feel guilty.) Yah, we did plan Samantha, but we didn't have our own place-our own nursery. We weren't able to buy the things we wanted for her. Jessie didn't drive me to my appointments because we had no car and he couldn't drive. So we always had someone else with us. I didn't breastfeed, etc. On top of that, I regret my labor now. lol And then with Lucy-well we obviously didn't get to do any of that, so I sometimes think it is that "I want the experience" thing, and I think that is why I am so back and forth. I almost text you last night and told you I changed my mind. Ha Ha.

    Seriously though, if you need anything, text me. I always have my phone.

  2. I know the hurt. When you were talkig about having the perfect names and those being like real people my heart melted. That's exactly how I feel. I have made these names real people and it kills me that I will never get to meet these babies I created. Four csections.... Post partum hemorage. I know I shouldn't but it doesn't stop my want I know I'm crazy since I already have 4 children ad most people think that is a lot but I can't help it. I see pregnant bellies and try my best not to be jeolous. Ugh! Twins! I always wanted twins:( sigh.....I know your hurt. I'm sorry girl. It can't really eat away at you. Drew said we can talk about another after nursing school but that's jut to big of an age gap to me. My favorite age gap was Kaedyn and Charleigh at 10 1/2 months apart! Charleigh and Ellanoa are my biggest age gap at 21 months and it's my least favorite. I couldn't imagine a bigger gap. Sigh.... I'm sorry.

  3. I deffinately get this way sometimes! I feel a lot of the excitement, because I don't feel like I got the 'TRUE' pregnant experiance, because I'm young/poor/not on my own. I just hold on to the hope that hopefully we will be able to have another. Just tell yourself that when you make it thru school you'll maybe be able to afford another! :)

  4. Brittany, you are such a great friend. Thanks for being there for me girl! That's another thing is that there are some things I would change... like, I would look more into how to manage the pain to try and have a natural birth... things like that. But mostly, I just want to have the experience of being happy to find out I'm pregnant, and not being worried about everything so much that I can't even enjoy the miracle of a baby.

    Jessika, it's hard to have those names picked out, and not know if you'll ever get to meet those little ones, isn't it? Grace and Brentley are 21 months apart, and I love it, but I have nothing to compare it to lol. All I know is I don't want huge age gaps. My sister is 13 years younger than me, and while I love her, I feel more like her aunt or something... not really a sister. Chris and his brother are 12 years apart, and they can't stand each other :/ I also feel that if we were to have another (and it wasn't twins), I would want to have another one close in age, so that baby would have a playmate. Which is why I have reservations about having a 3rd.

    Nicole, I know that one day we'll be able to afford another. I'm just not sure I want a big age gap between my little ones. Like I told Jessika, I feel like, if we were to have a third, we would have to have a forth close in age to the third or else the third would be lonely.