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Sunday, June 24, 2012

I'm at a loss...

As most of you know, I breastfeed Brentley. I tried breastfeeding Grace and failed miserably. I barely made it to her being 2 months old before I gave up (which is one of the biggest regrets I have). So, she hasn't breastfed in quite a while now. However, just recently, she has taken interest in it. She will come up to me and tell me she wants to eat, then she will try to lift my shirt up. At first I figured she was just being silly, then she did it a few more times, and it is to the point now that when I tell her she can't she gets sad. I can tell it hurts her feelings that she's not allowed to, but Brentley is. I figured it was just a phase that she would get through, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen anytime soon :( I try to explain to her that it's for babies, and that she is a big girl, but she just doesn't understand.
And there is a whole other part of me that almost wants to let her do it just because I feel that I failed her when she was a baby, and this would almost be making up for it. Now, I'm not going to. It just feels weird. I have nothing against people who practice extended breastfeeding. I am one of the people who believe that different things work for different people. And in my case, I do not feel that allowing her to breastfeed would be a good thing. It just brings up a whole host of emotions. Now, not only have I failed at breastfeeding her, but I am denying her when she wants to breastfeed, and she thinks that I am being mean. I just feel terrible. In all reality, she more than likely wouldn't even be able to get anything out because she wouldn't be able to latch properly now (especially since she didn't even latch properly as a baby). But I still feel terrible. I can't figure out how to explain to her that I'm not trying to be mean.
I tried posting this on Cafemom, and most of the replies I got said that I should let her try it. Some said that I should let her try it just to get her curiosity out, and others said that I should let her try it to see if she would take to breastfeeding...
I don't want her to take... I already have anxiety about weaning Brentley. I can't imagine having to wean Grace as well.
Others were saying that I should just pump and let her have it that way. That is not what Grace is wanting though. Heck, I have a whole freezer full of breastmilk (about 200 ounces) that is pretty much just going to waste. I could give her some of that if that is what she wanted (and yes, I tried giving some to her in a cup). She wants it from me. I can tell she wants the experience, not the milk. Which makes it that much more difficult to tell her no.
Gah, this is just so stressful. It makes me feel like a bad mom.

I know, I know, this all sounds really weird. Most of you probably think I'm crazy that I even consider letting her do it. You would just have to be in my shoes to understand why. And I'm not going to let her, but I've got to figure out some way to stop breaking her little heart every time...

4 comments:

  1. I was going to suggest giving it to her in a cup... But then finished reading. I know she's too young to fully understand the reasoning of why she can't do it but Brentley can...

    Maybe try explaining it to her in the simplest of terms. Tell her that she got to try when she was a baby and now it is Brentleys turn. Tell her she can't eat that way, but maybe let her lay on you and have some "girl" time before she goes to bed every night so she gets to sill feel close?

    I don't know, sorry. :( I couldn't breastfeed Kayelynn so I know how you have regrets. And I also understand you saying you don't want to let her try in case she likes she and what not.

    Hope you figure it out soon!

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  2. I was going to suggest what Kayelynn's Mommy said. Tell her that is how she ate when she was a baby and she is a big girl now. Stick to your guns. The one suffering the most is you. You did not fail her in anyway. You cannot beat yourself up about something you cannot change. Nobody is going to do everything right all the time. You are about the most responsible young moms I know. I don't know that I could of handled going to college while my kids were young.

    I understand your dilemma, I have always second guessed and analyzed things I did wondering if I had scarred them for life...lol. You are doing fine.

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  3. I understand the guilt of feeling like you failed them. I didn't even last a whole day. I am trying to think if I were in that situation with Sam because it may happen eventually with her...

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with extended breast feeding. Children ween themselves from things when they ready.

    Personally, it sounds like she is curious andante wants that one on one time with you that Brentlry gets. Sounds like she may benefits by some sort of Grace and Mommy time like Brentley gets. And maybe let her try it. She may not even like it. But if you think it will stress you out too much, don't.

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  4. Thanks everyone.. I guess I could try getting some more one on one time with her and seeing if that helps. She only tries it like once a week,so maybe it would help. Getting one on one time is hard, but I'll make it work.

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